Wisdom

Please teach me
how to see distinctly

grant me wisdom
to see the truth

cause I'm so blind
like Samson on Delilah's hand
cause I'm so weak
like King David in front of Betseba
(like Samson Betawi without armpit (bulu ketiak) hehehe...)

so many things to be learned
so many words to digest
so many problems to solve
so many kind of creature to face
so many works to be done

when a brain is not that sharp to analyze everything
all you need is a heart and mind
and wisdom from above
like King Solomon
between two women who fought for a baby

so teach me, God...
and let me pass the lesson.

Still ...

This man sitting in front of me.
We're having dinner.
Or, you may call it supper, more exactly.
He said he's starving, and I'm hungry.
That's the closest place we can get.
Not a romantic place.
Not even air conditioned room.
Only a small, crowded, a little bit dirty place, close to the road.

He asked me, how's my day.
I said it's getting bad, the job is getting crazy, the client is getting more annoying.
I sighed that the room is hot, and I tied up my hair.
I said I need tissue and he called the waiter quickly.
He asked me about the kids at home which I checked by phone everyday.
And we laughed while talking about them.
Then I said my drink is too hot, I need ice, and he called the waiter promptly.
So I drank my lemon juice.
For a moment we're both silent.
It suddenly reminds me our first date in Sudirman area
long time ago.

Still the same.
He still the same guy, who cares a lot.
We're married years ago.
And still feel the same way.
That I cant live a single day without him.

Night is getting darker when we're walking to the parking lot.
I still feel the hot weather.
I still feel the bad day.
But,
I still feel as the happiest person in the world
while we're on the way home.

Unconditionally

Hanya Engkau
Yang bisa
Menerima semua cacat-celaku
Membuka tangan untuk semua rapor merahku
Menutup mata untuk semua kepalsuan dan kemunafikanku
Membuka pintu untuk tubuh teler fana dan aroma kemabukan duniawiku

Ampunilah…
For so many times I tried to cheat You
Over and over I tried to ignore You
Tak bosan-bosan kucoba menguji cintaMu

I pretend You’re not there
I treat You like You’re nobody to me
I don’t call or say Your name
I even mengingkari namaMu
I pretend You don’t know what I’m doing
I pretend that I’m not Yours

The disgusting me

mengkhianatiMu
sungguh memicu adrenalin
menarik, menantang dan melenakan

menyakiti hatiMu
sungguh mudah, mulus dan tanpa hambatan
sungguh manis dan meninabobokan

menduakanMu
sungguh menggoda dan menggiurkan

sebab Engkau
sungguh baik
terlalu baik
sungguh setia
terlalu setia
sungguh mencinta
terlalu mencinta
tak layak bagi manusia bejat sepertiku
too much for
a wretch like me.

You never even ask,
’How dare you did this to Me?’
‘Why did you do this to Me?’
‘What else in the world I wouldn’t do for you to cause you do such things to Me?’

But You’re silent.
Keep silent.
Still silent.

Yet
I saw You’re crying.
I know You’re crying.
I heard You’re crying.
I believe You’re crying.
I feel You’re crying.

What are You crying for?
Me?
What am I to You?
Am I that special to You?
Why?
Why do you love me that much?
So much that I sometimes couldn’t understand with my idiot brain?
Why?

Just know, You said
Just know,
That I love you.
That’s all you need to know.

Only You
Could love me
Unconditionally.
Tak bersyarat.

How am I ever gonna runaway from You again?

Dating

Yesterday, helena was sick, so when I said I'll go shopping without her, she protested.
"I wanna come," she said.
"No, you get some rest, its only Mom and Pap will go." I said.
"Why only both of you? Are you going to have a date?" she asked.
Me and the maids were laughing instantly.
"Yeah, that's a good idea, since you were born, we almost never dated again," I answered.

Then Helena go to find her Dad sleeping and awakened him.
"Pap, go have a date with Mom, hurry! Wake up!" she said.
"What...?" answered Dad still sleepy.
"Go shopping with Mom, both of you, like a date." said Helena.
And later Pap woke up.
"So, you're not coming with us?' teased Dad to helena.
"No, go both of you, have a nice date." answered Helena.
She acted like a mature person who understand the situation well.
Pap and me were laughing all the way.

When we returned at night, she already welcome us in front of the door.
"How's the date?" she asked.
Hahaha, I cant help laughing to watched her style in asking that question. she can make me forget that she's just 5 years old! her action just like a big girl, just like my Mom, OMG! hahaha...

Last week, in 'the sunday school', she learned this song.
"Nabi Nuh dan istrinya, tiga anak lakinya, tiga anak mantunya, masuk dalam bahtera, lalu hujan turunlah, hujan lebaY turunlah, hujan lebaY turunlah, delapan orang selamat."

"I can count well, Mom," she showed off to me. "They're 8 persons on the ship."
"Yes, but your song is uncorrect a bit, It's hujan lebaT, not lebaY." I corrected, but she insisted to use that word, LEBAY.
"Do you know what LEBAY means?" I asked while holding my smile back.
"Hujan LEBAY turunlah," she answered while singing, ignoring me.
"It's LEBAT, Honey, not LEBAY," I repeated.
"LEBAY sounds more fun, Mama," she answered, and I gave up. Its sounds funny, actually.
"Just dont sing like that in the church," I said.

Lebay oh lebay...
My daughter oh my daughter...
(-:

Papa versus Jonas Brothers Band

One day, helena asked,
"Mom, who you prefer, Papa or Jonas Brothers?"
I think a while and answered, "Papa."
"Why?" helena asked. "Dont you think Jonas Brothers more handsome?"
"Yes, "I said, "But Papa is my lover."
"If I were you, I'll choose Jonas Brothers," said Helena again.
"Well, Jonas Brothers might not choose me," I answered.
"Yeah, he chose Hannah Montana already," said Helena. "She's so beautiful, I wanna be like her."

And when Papa came home, helena said:
"Papa pretends to be like Jonas Brother, and Mama as Hannah Montana, you're good couple, and I'm your daughter. I would be so happy."
Papa was just laughed.

And this week I promise to take her to watch Hannah Montana movie. Well, a kid have rights to have some idols, rite? Even sometimes I am afraid that she's growing faster than her age, she is just 5, you know!

Guess. Even sometimes she's so annoying, I can not get angry to this kid, my daughter. How can I angry to her, when I get back from work, she will offer to massage me, and said, "Mom, you look tired, I will massage your shoulder. You want some water?"

Or when I call her at home, from my office, she will sing a song for me. This is her favourite:
"Mommy my love, how, how are you...(etc)... I love you and I love you endlessly..."

She is also sometimes so generous to her brother, Evan, teach him this song:
"Head and shoulder, kneel, and toes, kneel and toes, and the eye and the mouth and the ear and the nose, head and shoulder kneel and toes knnel and toes..."

The nice part is, that she's so eager to teach her borther, but the scary part is, she insisted to move her brother body while singing that song, sometimes almost force Evan to move his body parts as the song order, off course Evan felt uncomfort and even able to make him cry.

Evan hobby, is now crawls everywhere. We have to close the door of the bathrooms, since thats his favourite spots. he likes water, just like his sister. well, this is might be a genetic factor, hehehe.
Other hobby is to give us a pull to follow him walk fast around the house. So exhausting. He walk so fast that sometimes we cant follow and scared if he'll fall.

Last weekend, helena was in her grandma's home and called. Papa picked up the phone and smiled when handed over the horn to me, "Helena," he said.
"Whats up?" I said in the phone. Wonder why she doesnt talk to her Papa.
"Mom, can I go to mall with aunty?"
"Sure," I said, "But dont bother aunty, promise? Be a nice kid, OK?"
"Promise," she said.

And when they returned home, I was a little bit curious why they came back that soon.
And then I heard helena's reason, " I asked Aunty to go home soon, cause I'm afraid Papa will get angry if I go out too long. Papa is the one who likes to be angry to me. That's why when I called from opung's house, I said I wanted to talk with Mom because I am afraid Papa wont give permission."

HAHAHAA... And we laughed. Apparently Papa is not at home.
"Papa only get angry if you go out to play with your friends without asking our permission," I said.

And when Papa returned from the church at the nite, I told him. And we laughed. We both always laughed when talking about her acts.
"She's getting critical of everything."

Well, I guess, that's one of the best part of being parents.

Betapa nikmatnya masa kecil

Betapa nikmatnya masa kecil
tak ada kuatir, risau dan pilu,
yang ada hanya bubur, susu dan lagu.
betapa indahnya masa kanak-kanak,
makan tidur bangun main dan berlari,
semua berwarna, semarak, gempita
seolah besok tak ada duka,
dan semua orang berlomba mencium dan memelukmu.

betapa cepatnya masa kecil berlalu
sebentar saja anak yang yang di rahimmu sudah melompat dari gendonganmu
tak mampu kau kejar dengan kaki letihmu
tak kuat kau rengkuh lagi dengan lengan rentamu
tak betah lagi dengan peluk cium dekap elusmu
tak rindu lagi dengan dongeng pengantar tidurmu.

betapa cepatnya waktu berjalan
kemarin adalah masamu kanak-kanak
hari ini masamu beranak
besok adalah masa milik sang anak.
yang kau punya hanya hari ini
bersama semua harap, doa dan mimpi
dan belai ciummu ketika anak-anakmu tertidur pulas di pelukmu.

But You Are Not

when other man is looking for money
you are not
when others looking for fame
you are not
when others looking for prestige
you are not
when others looking for crown
you are not.

for others, talk is cheap
but you are not

your silence is gold
your smile is wisdom
your words is courage
your action is example

you're different
and I love you so.

when others put their eyes on this material world
you are not.
you only have eyes for His glory.

and that's what I love most about you.

(for my love of a lifetime, MARTUA)

Want a big brother

Suddenly, Helena said this:
"Mom, it's better if Evan born before me, I want a big brother, not younger."
"Why?" I asked.
"My friends had big brothers and it looks great. I wanna be a younger sister, not the oldest one."
This is remind me of my textbook in campus, the story about a little girl in japan who wants to be a younger sister, not the oldest.
Then I said, "You have lots of big brothers, your cousins, rite?"
"Still different," she said.
And I dont know what else to say.
She's right anyway, I agree with her.
Being a youngest in my family, I feel so great and enjoy to have bigger brothers and sisters.
But soon, I hope, she will understand, that all the things are happens for a reason.
And there should be good reason, kid!

Enjoy being 'boru panggoaran', honey!

Salon gratis gue

-story 1-

Berhubung sebagai orangtua yang punya semacam keinginan unik untuk jadi orang pertama yang memotong rambut anak sendiri, terjadilah hal di bawah ini.

Dulu, rambut helena, anak gue yg pertama, pertama kali dipotong oleh gue dan suami secara berkolaborasi, dan hasilnya...? Yah gitu deh.
Pernah waktu kita lagi nunggu di ruang tunggu Hospital Cinere pas mau imunisasi, ada bule di sebelah gue bilang gini :"How old your son?"
Gubrakkkk!!!
"Ah, she's a girl, I'm sorry," kata dia buru2, begitu ngeliat anting di kuping Helena.
Itulah saking pangkasan rambut yang kami lakukan padanya!

Nah. Sejak lahir, kan rambut anak gue yg kedua, Evan, belum pernah dipotong tuh, sampe ultah yg pertama, kecuali potongan secara simbolik dari tulangnya waktu ngasi ulos.
Nah, berhubung udah panjang dan gue belum sempat bawa ke salon, dan berhubung bapaknya gak sempet mulu, suami gue suruh gue gunting aja. Mundur2 terus tuh sampe akhirnya suatu hari sabtu, gue lagi gak ada kerjaan. Nah, gue pikir ini mungkin saat yg tepat.
Sebenarnya gue kan takut potong rambutnya, soalnya gue gak pede urusan cukur-mencukur. tapi gue pikir harus dipotong. Ya dipotonglah. The worst case, kalau ancur, ntar bawa ke salon.
Nah, pas mau potong, mendadak gue kayak demam panggung gitu.
Helena aja gue cuma berani potong poni, itupun suka nggak rata, dan akhirnya ke salon juga.
Nah akhirnya gue potong, dengan modal sok pede aja.

Pas guntingan pertama aja, udah kayak gigitan tikus.
Ditambah Evan kan gak mau diem tuh, pas gue gunting "sreeeettt", dia menoleh, langsung miring deh tuh guntingan gue, trus para pembantu gue ngakak,
gue minta pembokat gue megangin dia lagi biar diem, trus gue gunting lagi rambutnya, sreeeetttt! eh dia menggeleng lagi, miring lagi tuh rambut. kali ini helena juga ikutan ngakak.

"Wah gawat nih, rambutmu udah compang-camping gini, dek," gue bilang. ini harus beres sebelum papa pulang ktr, otherwise nambah lagi satu org di rumah yg akan menertawakan gue. dan jgn sampe ntar oppungnya stop by dan melihat model rambut evan, bisa gawat ! hehehe.

nah dgn pertimbangan drpd makin ancur tuh potongan rambut anak gue yg ganteng itu, akhirnya gue putuskan menunggu evan tidur aja dulu, biar gak gerak2 pas gue gunting rambutnya. walah, udah kayak kisah samson, tunggu tidur dulu biar dicukur. jadi proses pencukuran ini berlangsung sejak jam 8 pagi sampe hampir jam 12.

nah evan udah tidur nih, trus gue siap2 dong mau nyukur lagi.
gue taruh gunting di kepalanya, dan gue siap2 menggerakkan gunting.
baru aja mau gunting, tiba2 kepala evan gerak!
refleks gue tarik tuh gunting. serem juga kalo sampe dia kena gunting dan terluka.
gue tunggu lagi sampe dia terlihat lelap.
gue coba gunting lagi.
eh, kepalanya gerak lagi!
waduh, evaaaannnn... (gue mulai desperate)...
kalo gerak2 terus kapan kelarnya mama gunting rambutmu, Nak?!

Akhirnya gue nemu cara baru (ceileee...).
gue gunting tanpa pake sisir, jd dia gak berasa ada sesuatu yg nempel di kepala.
dan bener, dia diam aja.
dan gue pun cepat2 gunting sana-sini. CRET SRET SROT SRET...
gaya gue udah kayak helena aja guntang-gunting kertas, tanpa pola.
pas gue miringin kepala evan untuk gunting bagian kapala sebelahnya, pembokat2 gue ngakak lagi.
oke deh, emang masih berantakan, mbak. tenang aja deh...

nah gue cukur lagi bagian kepala sebelahnya. cret sret srot srettttt...
beres.
gue amati dulu hasil cukuran gue. Evan masih tidur. gue foto bentar, ntar buat kenang2an.
pembokat2 gue masih ngakak.
helena juga bingung. "Kok jadi gitu sih Ma rambut adek...?"
Sejurus gue pun tersadar bahwa emang mungkin gue gak berbakat jadi tukang salon.

Tapi kan bukan gue kalo give up secepat itu.
Gue potong lagi, gue cukur lagi, gue gunting lagi. Sampe udah tipis. yang penting tidak sampe botak dah.
Bahkan gue bikin sebentuk garis di atas kuping, gaya cowok2 keren yg suka terlihat di MTV tuh. Nah, so far gue udah cukup puaslah dgn hasil potongan gue.
Pembantu2 gue udah nggak ngakak2 lagi, tapi masih senyum2 tertahan.
"Gimana, udah rapi belum?" gue tanya.
Nggak ada yg berani jawab.
Gawat. Gue jadi nggak pede.

Gue potong lagi, sampe udah tinggal setengah centi kali tuh rambut evan. Ceritanya gue makin bikin gaya crew cut, model Tom Cruise waktu main di film 'Born on 4th of July' (???).
Dan gue pun berhenti pas udah sadar bahwa rambut evan udah gak cukup panjang lagi untuk dipotong.
"Cukup, kali Bu," kata pembokat gue. Akhirnyaaaa. Mungkin dia takut kalo sampe Evan gue bikin plontos.

Nah, baru aja kelar gunting2, tiba2 yg gue kuatirkan pun terjadilah!!!
Tiba-tiba mertua dan adek ipar gue muncul di depan rumah, terdengar manggil2.
"Helenaaaaaaaaa. Evaaaaaaannnnnnnn...."
"Oppung!!" jerit Helena sambil buka pintu.
"Halo Helena. Halo Evan. Lha,....! Rambutnya kenapAAAA?!" tanya mertua gue begitu melihat evan.
Pembokat2 gue pada ngakak lagi.
Gue speechless.
"Kenapa nggak dibawa ke salon aja?" tambah mertua gue lagi setelah melihat gunting di tangan gue dan bekas potongan rambut evan di lantai.
"Ah, tapi nggak apa-apa kok, emang model rambut cowok ada yang model begini kok," kata mertua lagi setelah meneliti rambut Evan secara seksama. Pasti yang dimaksud adalah garis yang gue bentuk di atas kuping. "Nah gini dong, mendingan gini drpd kemaren, anak cowok emang rambutnya mesti pendek."

Gue lega, dikit.
Sorenya Papa pun pulang kantor.
Gue diam aja sebelum mendengar komentar doi.
Ternyata, "Bagus kok," kata bekas pacar gue itu.
Iya iyalah, kalo dikritik bisa loe bayangin kan apa yg akan terjadi, hehehe..

Nah besoknya kita ke rumah adik ipar gue, arisan.
Semua orang langsung ngeliat dong rambut Evan yang tadinya gondrong mendadak pendek!
Ipar gue yg cowok bilang gini, "Rambut Evan dipotong di salon anak2 ya, Inang bao?"
Hahaha... gue ngakak. "Kayak dipotong di salon ya?"gue tanya, pura2.
Yang lain juga nanya hal yg sama.
"Itu potongnya di salon Mama Helena," gue jawab sambil ngakak.
Akhirnya ada juga yg menganggap hasil cukuran gue 'made in salon', hahahaha...
Not bad, not bad.

So... Ada yang mau gue cukur gratis???
Tapi mungkin mesti kayak Samson ya, dicukur sembari tidur, hahahaha...
Serasa Delilah deh gue....


-story two-

Kemarin di pesta, sambil nungguin helena boker di toilet, helena nanya gini:
"Orang miskin itu duitnya dikit ya Ma?"
Iya, gue jawab.
"Kalo orang kaya, duitnya banyak?"
Iya, gue blg.
"Kalo kita, miskin apa kaya?" tanya helen lagi.
Ehmmm, sedang, jawab gue. nggak tega bilang miskin, hehehe.
"Sedang itu artinya apa, Ma?"
Gue agak malas jelasin, tp helena langsung jawab sendiri.
"Sedang itu kalo miskin digabung sama kaya ya, Ma?"
"Iya," gue setuju saja. "Udah belum, bokernya?"
"Kenapa kita sedang, Ma? kenapa tidak kaya aja?" tanya helen lagi..
Ampun deh.
Pluk pluk pluk. Bunyi pup helen terdengar lagi.
Gue memencet flush.
"Mama cantik deh," kata helen.
"Iya, iya, ayo cepetan bokernya," jawab gue.
"Ma, kapan dong kita ke ancol?"
Ya elaaaa... anak gue ini.
Ada-ada aja....

KUTUNGGU

menunggu
me-nung-gu
m-e-n-u-n-g-g-u

hingga merah berubah jingga
hingga darah berubah ungu
hingga nanah berubah pekat
hingga luka berubah hitam

menunggu
bagai tetesan air di pasir gurun
bagai kafilah terhadap oase

menunggu
walau sungguh
rapuh
trenyuh
dan terjatuh

akan kutunggu
hingga kutahu
itu semua bukan hanya
sebuah
fatamorgana.